Echo Anxiety

Mikey's next echo is in a week and a half and I'm already finding myself anxious to see how his heart is doing. It seems like no time at all passes between his echo's but in the two weeks before each echo, time seems to come to a halt. I'm not sure if I can describe the feelings I get before and during each echo but I'm going to try. Gradually, as his echo gets closer, I get more and more scared. I'm mostly scared of the outcome. Is he getting better or is he getting worse? With a heart baby, there's no telling. There are no symptoms to tell me he's getting better or worse, only an echocardiogram can tell me that. There is a constant fear in the back of my mind. Any time, we could be told that he needs surgery. Any time, he could be taken from us, though the chances of that now are much lower (a small comfort to me). I HATE that my baby boy has to go through all of this. I HATE not knowing if he's getting better or worse. I am optimistic that he is getting better but there is always that "what if" in the back of my mind. What if he isn't getting better? What if something goes seriously wrong and I don't know about it until it's too late? What if he needs more surgery sooner than his doctors expect? What if he doesn't make it through his surgeries?
That last "what if"... I DESPISE that "what if".  I don't like thinking that way. I try not to constantly, but as I've already said, it's always in the back of my mind. Nothing about having a child with a CHD is easy. The constant fear of something going wrong really takes a toll on me. I have faith that God will pull Michael and my family through. He has a plan for Michael.
I try to keep my mind of off the negative "what ifs". There are some positive ones too that I mostly focus on. What if he is getting better? What if his heart relaxes and his ventricle gets bigger? What if he doesn't need ANY more surgery?
No more surgery....... That is the news I'd LOVE to hear one day. Who knows? Maybe that day will be May 1, 2012. Probably not but that's how I like to look at it. "Great news! He doesn't need any more surgery. He's perfect and his heart is perfect." Oh, how I'd love to hear those words! Only time will tell. Until then, it's one day at a time